Somewhere, somebody owes me damages for pain and suffering for having to know what a pelvic mesh is.
Once upon a time, used car dealers had the absolute worst local television ads, hands-down. Goofy gimmicks, fake patriotism, cheesy graphics, shameless exploitation of children - car lots had a near monopoly when it came to low production values and bad taste. Now attorneys are rapidly taking over the niche occupied by TV car lot ads, as some personal injury ads make the car dealer ads look like they were directed by Stephen Spielberg.
Currently, there are three basic types of attorney commercials on the air, including:
The Book Commercial – In this commercial, the attorney makes his or her pitch while standing in front of a bookshelf full of shiny, hardcover books. I suppose this is supposed to make the viewer think, "Holy crap, look at all those books! There's a Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedia up in there. Did he read all of those? Verily, this attorney has a mastery of toxic mold litigation to rival Katherine Heigl's mastery of the unlikeable female lead character."
The Bad Graphic Class Action Fishing Commercial – Using a series of images that make 1990s era clip art look high tech and fonts that look like they belong in the end credits of an episode of "Good Times," the commercial informs sufferers of the various misdeeds and perfidies of the drug industry of their opportunity to make the attorney a lot of money and themselves some pocket change by joining a class action. Nothing inspires confidence like retina burning colors and that TV trick where the commercial is 10 times louder than the show you were watching, I guess.
The Get Tough Commerical – The attorney crosses his arms (nothing implies steadfast resolve like a pair of crossed arms) and swears before the Mother of Mountains as the stars look down and witness to take his team of experienced attorneys and paralegals and ride wooden horses across the poison sea to kill the men in iron suits, tear down their stone houses, take their broken gods back to Vaes Dothrak… and get you the settlement you deserve if you've been injured in an accident. Or something like that.
While these commercials are pretty bad already, it's just a matter of time before we see lawyers professing their love for God, country, little babies and bad faith insurance litigation. Or commercials offering package deals, "That dope and that baby aren't yours – and we'll prove it with our two-for-one deal!"
My point, if I have one, is this: Attorneys make plenty of money. Higher insurance premiums and warning labels advising against putting your junk in a wood chipper are proof of that. Would it kill them to spring for some better advertising?
Jim Cook can be reached at jcook@dothaneagle.com.
